Fast Car

I was sitting down playing music while thinking of something and I struck a few words that seemed vaguely familiar. I thought hard about it and all I could come up with was a bit of the tune and 'be someone, be someone'. It bugged me all day and so I searched hard and long on the net and finally realized it was Tracey Chapman's 'Fast Car' a childhood favorite. I was too young to understand it's meaning then, but now I hear it again and brings a whole new appreciation to it. Deep, moving and meaningful.

You got a fast car

I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe well make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money

We wont have to drive too far
Just cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old mans got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and Ill get promoted
Well move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
Id always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

I listen to all kinds of music but never have I heard a song that truly bewilders me so. Every time I listen to it it makes me cry and makes me think of my relationship and if i should move ahead without my love ones or not.

I hope I'll have a good drive...

Abandonment...

If I said what I really feel, for sure you'd run like hell, away from here...

Words keep falling, burning my mouth until I had let out the lies that I'd been keeping for long. I don't know how and where to start again from falling and getting hurt by my own mistakes. After the confessions that I did about the lies, betrayal and pretensions towards my family. I am now like a garbage--abandoned and useless.

Dejected!...
Hopeless!...
Weary!...

I was bored last night, so I decided to check my blog site and planned to put another article on it when someone buzzed me at my Yahoo Messenger, and it was a friend of mine(not a close friend but he is a good friend though). I was enlightened by his words when he told me that "like a piece of a blank paper, a writer should start from it before doing his own writings." I came to realized that at this point of my situation I need to be prepared. It's up to me when will i start writing for myself-- letting my hand takes me where it leads and also letting the pen puts color on it. Life is supposed to be fun. No matter how often we stumble what's more important is how we stand gracefully.

Truly, we all want someone who will always be there for us, someone who understands, supports and loves us unconditionally, and will say, "It will all be alright." We need to be nurtured. This someone could be just our friend and our family-which I don't have anymore. But is it enough to ease the pain? Comfort is just a temporary medication for someone who is in pain.

Now, I'm abandoned.
I'm lost and nowhere to go.
I feel like I'm paralyzed. Scared and afraid to move...

A man's struggle

"the thing that was keeping me alive for so long was now killing me"

...as sad as it may sound, all my life, my goal has been to fit in. I think to some extent , everyone has that desire. People want to be like and accepted by their peers. Unfortunately, or should I say fortunately, I have never been able to accomplish this goal. I met a lot of individuals. They are somehow nice to me and I did show to them the same way. But I never let them have the chance to be with me and know me better. Am I a selfish idiot?... I think I'm not. I just don't want others to be involved in me and know the dark-lonely-miserable-life of mine.

Seriously I am no stranger to depression. It’s hard to describe. My life hasn’t been all fun and games . When you see me smiling, you see the other side of me. Happiness is sometimes temporary, problems too, unless if they will be solved- if not, they will remain dark shadow and will still be with us wherever we go. This is what my life goes like. I'm in and out of trouble . However I never let someone knows it. I keep it myself. The only comfort I find is lying in bed. There, I tend to talk to myself or to HIM about the heartaches that I feel and the pain that I caused to my family and love ones. Then, I'll start to cry... feeling guilty of all the things that i committed. I can't help it but cry and realize that i should have thrown in the towel long time ago.huhuhu

Here I am, trying to overcome the wall that I am facing now--too high for me to reach it.

I'm so down...really! I'm having hard time going through all these. Because of the mistakes that I made, I think I'm heading toward disaster. I'll have my spot mark in hell. I'll have prime real estate in the hottest place there is.

I somehow hoped that someone could rescue me from my struggle but i think no one would...would you?hahay.

I came here in this city not just to have fun, rather I wanted to escape from problems. I thought having this kind of life would make me happy. instead I become more depressed and I realized that I was wrong. I just put myself in a very difficult situation.

I'm struggling...No way to tell them, because I don't want to become suicidal..huhu

soon I'll forget...I know there has to be change...